You’ve finally come to the heart-wrenching decision that your marriage is over. And you know that the pain of this reality is sure to break the hearts of others…your children. So, how should you break the news?

Tell Them Together

Barring a harmful or abusive situation, your children need you to continue parenting together. Even if your children are at different stages of maturity, they need to hear the announcement as a family, says Dr. Martye Barnard, a pediatric psychologist and chief of Behavioral Pediatrics at the University of Kansas Hospital. After that, you and your spouse should individually talk to each child.

Address Guilt

Reassure your children that they did nothing to cause the divorce. Explain to them that, even though you are no longer married, you and your spouse are, of course, still their supportive parents and that your love for them will never change. 

Preschoolers

“It’s amazing how much (preschoolers) understand,” Barnard says. “They’re pretty insightful, but they don’t understand the time element quite like the grade schooler or high schooler would. When you say this is going to happen this month, it doesn’t make sense to them.”

Adrienne Dreher, a family counselor, suggests using a calendar to help your preschooler count the days to when she will see each parent. “Children need to have stability and know what to expect. The sooner a regular parenting plan that works for everyone can be set up, the better,” she says.

Wondering what your child is feeling? Children often express emotions through play, Dreher says. Also, read age-appropriate books together, like The Way I Feel series, to help your child learn to share his/her feelings, including anger, sadness, and loss.

School-age

Define what divorce means by explaining that you and your spouse will no longer be living under the same roof. Again, explain that the divorce is not about them, but avoid blaming the other parent for it. “None of the adult stuff should be shared with the kids,” Barnard says. “Kids really need to be reassured that they have both parents who love them.”

Adolescents 

As children enter adolescence, parents may be tempted to explain the divorce. Barnard urges parents to avoid sharing details of why the divorce happened. “I know adults that aren’t old enough to understand the personal reasons that result in separation,” she says.

Grief Is Normal

“Children grieve very much like they would mourn the death of a parent or the loss of a sibling,” Barnard says. Grief associated with divorce occurs without closure since, unlike death, there’s no funeral. If your child’s grief doesn’t lessen over time, or if he/she expresses a wish to die or harm themselves (even a preschooler), consult with a counselor or child psychologist. The most common sign of depression among school-aged children is irritability; including acting out, disrespect, and misbehavior at home and school.

Manage Wishful Thinking

Children often fantasize about their parents getting back together and may continue to harbor these hopes for years. “It’s very difficult for kids to put closure on the possibility of reconciliation and to understand that it (more than likely) is not going to ever happen,” Barnard says. Gently remind your children periodically that you and your ex won’t be remarrying.

Help Children Cope

Whenever possible, continue to partner or co-parent your children by attending school activities, parent-teacher conferences, and birthdays together. And, don’t turn your child into the go-between messenger. “If you have a message to give to your former spouse, you should do that yourself by phone. If that’s not possible because of anger, then email or text,” Barnard says. And, if possible, avoid dating for at least a year to help your children adjust. If the time comes, study the best options for introducing a new partner to your children.

Need additional resources? 

Local bookstores and the library have an assortment of helpful books geared for both adults and children. Consider aligning with a support group.

Questions to Anticipate:

• Does this mean that Daddy (or Mommy) isn’t going to live with us?
• Does this mean we won’t see him (her) anymore?
• Does this mean we won’t do things as a family anymore?
• Did I do something wrong? (Your child might not ask this question aloud, but he may wonder if he’s somehow to blame.)