Bullying continues to haunt children throughout our schools and community. In recent years, awareness campaigns and films, including 2011’s documentary Bully, have generated efforts aimed to prevent bullying or empower victims to overcome effects. But what do you do if you find out that your child is the bully? First, “try not to be defensive,” says Kursten Euwer, a school counselor for a K-8^th grade private school, which implemented a comprehensive and proactive anti-bullying campaign two years ago. Learning that your child is hurting others can be heartbreaking and, of course, the problematic behavior needs to be addressed immediately. “It can be your child. Take it as a learning opportunity and talk about the issue openly and honestly at home. Strive to get to the root of what’s causing such aggressive conduct.”

Who Bullies?

For years, people believed that kids who bullied suffered from low self-esteem. “Instead, researchers are finding that some of these children have a very high opinion of themselves and, in fact, consider themselves to be ‘above’ the children they are bullying,” says Dianna Hall, LCSW, at the Family Conservancy in Kansas City. Children who bully may:

• Come from a home environment that is not warm and nurturing and/or where discipline is inconsistent or harsh.
• Hang out with friends who bully.
• Experience bullying at the hands of a sibling or another family member.
• Tend to be impulsive, easily frustrated, and have difficulty following rules.
• View violence positively.

Types of Bullying

School hallways traditionally are filled with various forms of bullying: emotional bullying (intimidation and social alienation), verbal bullying (teasing, name-calling, and making offensive remarks), and physical bullying (hitting or destroying another person’s property). Orange County Public Schools defines bullying as ‘unwanted and repeated written, verbal, or physical behavior, including any threatening, insulting, or dehumanizing gesture that inflicts physical hurt or psychological distress on one or more people.’ These days, insidious cyber-bullying creates even more torment for young victims, as damaging and hurtful messages fire through virtual social networks like phone texting, instant messaging, Facebook, and other social sites.

“I believe it’s become the number one way for kids to bully each other,” Euwer says, whose school reported zero physical fights last school year. “Kids sit behind that computer screen where they don’t see the person and, therefore, it’s easier to bully.”

Act Immediately

Support the school’s consequences for your child and also find appropriate consequences at home that address the inappropriate acts. “For example, if a child breaks something belonging to another child, they are responsible for replacing or repairing it. For older children, have a clear conversation about retaliation ─ as in there will be none,” Hall says.

Ask your child questions about the incident to determine what the bullying is about and if others are involved. Avoid “asking why (why would you do that?) questions to eliminate any opportunity for the child to give excuses for his/her actions,” Hall says. Solicit insight from teachers, guidance counselors, and school officials to identify potential anger triggers. Dr. Karen Jordan, a child psychologist, advises to also discuss empathy, “Help your child understand how the victim feels.” Finally, seek opportunities for your child to practice compassion and kindness. “Volunteer work, for example, is a good place to start,” suggests Hall, or simply rehearse as a family.

Model Empathy and Respect

Empathy could be our most valuable tool to prevent bullying. “Children high in empathy are less likely to bully. Teaching kids empathy should start at infancy,” Jordan says. “Infants and young children watch how others, especially their parents, handle their emotions and treat other people. They are also learning about the impact of their behavior on other people.”

Read books together that teach lessons about empathy and use real-life examples to discuss kindness and respect toward others. “With very young children, we can do this by simply pointing out and acknowledging others’ feelings and maybe what could help that person feel better,” Hall says. “Use ‘feelings-oriented’ language. Ask ‘I wonder’ questions related to how they might be able to help someone.”

Create connections in your family to build empathy skills. “Don’t allow bullying or teasing at home between siblings,” Jordan says. “Raising children in a nurturing environment where their feelings are validated and respected will help them treat others the same way.” A child who lacks empathy will likely enter adulthood without the ability to form genuine connections and relationships with others. “This oftentimes perpetuates the cycle of violence, leading to adults who do not understand things like ‘no means no.’ Other illegal activities are certainly a likelihood as they usually do not take responsibility for their actions and feel their inappropriateness is completely justified,” Hall says.

Resources

Orange County Public Schools utilizes the Act 4 Change campaign to stop bullying in area schools. Resources, including tools for parents, cyber-bullying content, and hotline contact information are available at OCPS.net or StopBullying.gov. Experts also suggest books, including: Best Friends Worst Enemies by Michael Thompson, Blue Cheese Breath and Stinky Feet: How to Deal with Bullies by Catherine DePino, and The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso.

Sound-off on your experiences with bullying. The commitment of empowered parents and community members is key to stop bullying! Please join the conversation at OrlandoFamilyMagazine.com.