It’s never too early to begin talking with your kids about sex. In fact, the earlier you start, the easier it will be when it’s time to tackle the difficult subjectsthat are sure to arise later on. Here are some age-appropriate guidelines (and we know not everyone will agree!) that parents can use with their curious little ones to help pave the way for the more in-depth conversations about sexual health in the adolescent years.

Ages 0-2: Positive Perception

Experts suggest that parents start practicing the language of body talk when kids are infants and there’s no pressure to say the “right” thing. Your baby won’t laugh, get nervous, or ask any questions, so this is the best time to get used to verbalizing words or bodily functions that may cause you some discomfort.

According to Dr. Laura Berman, a sex educator, therapist, and author of Talking to Your Kids About Sex, something crucial for parents to do while their kids are infants is to adopt a positive view of bodily functions. Dr. Berman suggests that parents, who have likely learned from their own upbringing to feel ashamed or embarrassed of bowel movements, shift from verbalizing that a poopy diaper is “yucky and stinky.” “Really,” she says, “it’s just a part of life!” Functions involving the genitals are healthy and normal, not negative or problematic.

Ages 2-3: Touching and Being Touched

Children will inevitably discover their genitals and, when this happens, it’s time to start the conversations about touching. Normalize self-touch by not reacting strongly to your toddler playing with his genitals. Instead, just let him know that there are appropriate times and places to do so. If it happens at an inappropriate time, Dr. Berman advises parents, “Explain that, while it feels good to touch your private parts, they are your private parts and this touching should only occur in private.”

This age is also a good time to teach children that their private parts are their own and no one else should touch them, other than parents or caregivers who are helping to clean them, or a doctor who checks to see if they are healthy. This includes people they know and love. Amy Lang, sex educator and author of Birds + Bees + Your Kids, says, “More than ninety percent of the time, child molestation occurs by someone the child knows.” She also says to let kids know that while other people should never touch their private parts, they shouldn’t be touching anyone else’s either.

If you haven’t started teaching your toddlers the proper names for their private parts, now is the time to do that, too. “When you use anatomically correct names right from the beginning, you’ve already started the conversation,” says Lang. Let’s be clear….If there’s any confusion about what names to teach your kids for their private parts, here they are: for boys, it’s penis, testicles, and scrotum. For girls, what they see when they look down is their vulva, specifically the labia. The vagina is completely internal and only the opening is visible. Bath time provides an easy opportunity to practice using proper names for private parts. “Did you wash your penis?” or, “Your vulva looks a little red, does it feel OK?” Practice, practice, practice—using them in conversation will soon become second nature.

Ages 3-5: First Questions

Lang points out that when children are old enough to ask questions about how babies are made, parents should buck up and tell them, although she says it’s fine to keep the explanation simple and brief. An answer such as “Babies come from inside mommy’s belly” is enough to start. When kids ask follow-up questions, such as, “How does the baby get in there?” continue to keep the answers simple and direct. “Mommies have eggs, and daddies have sperm. When a sperm and an egg come together, it starts growing into a baby.” Let the child’s questions lead the conversation.

Reading books together is a great way to answer some hard questions. Amazing You by Gail Saltz is a perfect book for parents to read with their preschoolers. With its simple text and color illustrations, it is an engaging way to open the door to talking about bodies.

Age 5-8: Sex and Values

When kids reach kindergarten, and by age 7 at the latest, they need to know about intercourse. That might seem early, but according to Lang, it isn’t too much for them to handle. “Adults come to the conversation with a different perspective than kids,” she says. “We know all the good and the bad stuff about sex. They don’t. Little kids take in this information like they do everything else. We’re the ones who bring discomfort, shame, or embarrassment to the sex talk party.”

The sooner the better is Lang’s rule of thumb. “Bring it up before the ‘ooh-gross!’ factor kicks in. When they are young, they are just very open and matter-of-fact. That being said, it’s never too late to initiate the dialogue.” What’s important is that discussions about intercourse be family-initiated. Other people shouldn’t be the source of information about sex.

Kids need to know where you stand and what your family values are when it comes to sex, relationships, and spirituality. Lang tells parents, “The key to great conversations with your kids is combining the facts with your values.”

Parents should not be thinking about when they’re going to have “The Talk” with their children. Instead, they should start opening a dialog about sex right now. No matter your child’s age, there are topics that can be broached. And the earlier you start, the easier the discussions will be. As Lang tells parents, “No one has ever died from having conversations about sex and you won’t either!”

For Further Reading

To help broach some of these topics with kids, reading books together helps. These resources are all great for starting conversations about sex and body issues:

Touching:

1. It’s MY Body, by Lory Freeman
2. Your Body Belongs to You, by Cornelia Spelman
3. The Right Touch, by Sandy Kleven

Anatomy and Reproduction:

1. Amazing You, by Gail Saltz
2. It’s Not the Stork! By Robie Harris
3. It’s So Amazing! by Robie Harris

Elementary-Age Body Books:

1. The Boy’s Body Book, by Kelli Dunham (for boys)
2. The Care and Keeping of You, by American Girl (for girls)

For Parents:

1. Birds + Bees + Your Kids, by Amy Lang
2. Talking to Your Kids About Sex, by Laura Berman